Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
