I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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