It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
