I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
