I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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