she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
