No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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