so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
