I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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