nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
