I want you more than these girls want KFC
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
