giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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