if i can run in heels then i can drive
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
