I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
