i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
