yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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