Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
