I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
