My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Two words: blizzard sex
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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