My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
