So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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