I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
