after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
