Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
