Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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