I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
