omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
