i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
