I'm eating all of the evidence.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize