Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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