listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
