I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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