I'm going to jail i love you
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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