you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
