my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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