pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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