You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Couch. On fire.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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