Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
