you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
