Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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