I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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