my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize