I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
