wanna go halves on a baby?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
