you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Those nachos came to me in a dream
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
