i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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