Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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