It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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