every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
