Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
