I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
