eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
