Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
