make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
