i wish my penis had a tongue
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
