i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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