he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
