Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
