This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
