I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
50% drunk capacity currently
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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