Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
