It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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