Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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