My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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