Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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