come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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